Grieving at the Holidays: Part 1
While we are firmly in the grip of Pumpkin Spice Latte season, grievers may feel October is spooky for other reasons. Cultural and familial expectations in the final quarter of the year can leave grievers feeling distant, disconnected, and even filled with dread. Here are a few reasons the holidays feel more emotionally charged for grievers, along with a few ways to lighten your load.
As daylight shortens and obligations pile up, grievers may feel trapped between holiday tradition and the realities of a “new normal.” This time of year, expectations are often unclear amid the pursuit of “holiday magic.” We may not realize something is important to us or others until it happens, or doesn’t. One minute we’re talking about making stuffing, and the next we remember we only remove the onions because our loved one hated them. (I personally feel all onions should be removed, but that is neither here nor there.) Later, a loved one is in tears that the family hike didn’t happen, since the one who passed always arranged it. Carla Archuletta, MA, LPC, refers to these abrupt and all-encompassing emotional reactions as “emotional ambushes,” and they can be one of the biggest fears of grievers at the holidays. This often leaves grievers wanting to isolate, as they don’t feel they have the “holiday spirit.” While this is a natural response, it can also increase feelings of sadness, disconnection, and unfamiliarity. When grief is fresh, our minds are constantly scanning for our loved ones, and when we realize they are no longer present, the pain bubbles up anew. This constant emotional turmoil increases exhaustion, making an already busy season even more draining.
So what can we do?
Many of us feel like we want to “skip the holidays” this year, but we've all seen enough holiday movies to know that's unlikely. (Looking at you, all the Whos down in Whoville and Christmas with the Cranks.) Speaking of holiday movies, did you know our favorite holiday memories probably weren’t as great as we remember? Euphoric recall is a natural human process that strips away or tempers the difficult, disappointing, or negative parts of a memory, leaving the pleasurable, positive ones. While this is incredibly helpful for parts of life like childbirth, it can also make us feel like we have to compete with our own holiday highlight reel.
The first step toward grieving at the holidays is to acknowledge that this year will look and feel different, and that is okay. Take the time to think about the traditions and expectations that are important to you, which can be adapted, and which can be temporarily (or permanently) eliminated. Then have an honest conversation with other important people in your life. Ask what their expectations are, and prioritize them into three categories: must do, can do (if I feel like it), and won’t do. Having these conversations early helps you avoid making decisions in the heat of the moment. This decreases the risk of emotional ambushes and future conflict with the important people in your life. Be clear. Be gentle with yourself, and be okay with imperfection. Euphoric recall is going to soften the future memory anyway.
Next week we’ll talk more about how to set holiday boundaries and how to support others in their grief.
Additionally, through my work at Vintage, I’m offering a Grieving at the Holidays presentation where we’ll explore specific tools and supports for the upcoming season in more depth. It’s on Weds, November 18th at 5:00 pm, and it’s free. Email me at arensmoon@nwccog.org for the link or call 970.315.1325.
Amanda Rens-Moon is a Licensed Professional Counselor Candidate (LPCC), Business Operations Manager for Vintage (Region 12 Area Agency on Aging), and an End-of-Life Doula. She has a Master’s Degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Walden University, and a Bachelor’s Degree in English Literature from the University of Colorado, Boulder. Amanda loves weaving these professional identities together to help older adults and caregivers find meaning, reduce stress, and navigate challenging relationships and behavioral patterns.
When Amanda is not working with older adults and caregivers, she enjoys reading multiple books simultaneously, sipping all forms of caffeine, trying to train the ravens in her neighborhood to screech “Nevermore,” and learning everything about everything. “Did you know moose can dive up to 20 feet?” She has a feisty teenage daughter, an imperturbable husband, and an incredibly clumsy cat.
